The U.S. Secret Service turned away Al Gore at the White House gate Monday when he showed up with a U-Haul full of solar panels, climate change slide shows and his Oscar, demanding to move in immediately.

The former vice president arrived within hours of an NBC News report that former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor told the Chicago Tribune editorial board that maybe the court shouldn’t have stepped into Bush v. Gore.

“It turned out the election authorities in Florida hadn’t done a real good job there and kind of messed it up,” O’Connor said. “And probably the Supreme Court added to the problem at the end of the day.”

You think?

Continue reading “Gore in the balance” »

On Thursday, a cardboard poster of Nancy Pelosi complained that Mark Sanford will not agree to more debates in the remaining weeks before the 1st congressional district special election.

“The voters of the 1^st district need to see more of me alongside Gov. Sanford to better help them make a decision between him and me, even though I am not on the ballot, or even human,” the paper likeness of the U.S. House Democratic leader said in a statement.

On Wednesday, Sanford debated Cardboard Nancy Pelosi in front of MUSC, an event that was not televised, but was widely mocked.

Continue reading “A picture wants another 1,000 words” »

Mark Sanford and Elizabeth Colbert Busch finally faced off Tuesday in an impromptu parking lot debate in West Ashley.

The two 1^st district congressional candidates – who had not yet debated because Busch has avoided it and Sanford has been in Family Court – ran into each other at Harrell Square just outside Citadel Mall.

Colbert Busch was waving at passing motorists on Sam Rittenberg Tuesday morning; Sanford was trying to get a refund on a half-eaten panini at Panera Bread.

When the two rivals saw each they charged, whipped out their note cards and began to debate.

Continue reading “Plane talk from Sanford and Colbert Busch” »

Congress honored South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley on Tuesday for her amazing amount of nerve and political dexterity.

Following a March 16 fire in Myrtle Beach that destroyed more than 100 homes, Haley asked the U.S. Small Business Administration – a federal government agency – to declare Horry County a disaster area. She did this because the damage to Myrtle Beach, though horrific, was not bad enough to warrant FEMA assistance.

Unlike the damage caused last fall by Superstorm Sandy, which devastated the U.S. Northeast – but was deemed insufficient to garner federal assistance by nearly every member of South Carolina’s congressional delegation.

In light of this irony, Congress responded by passing House Resolution 000, which awarded Haley the “National Chutzpah Award.”

Continue reading “Gov. Haley wins congressional award” »

After claiming the title of best tourist destination in the world, Charleston officials now hope to top another list:

The Drunkest City in the Country.

Charleston ranked an impressive 4^th place in the Daily Beast’s latest list of “The 25 Drunkest Cities in America.” Amazingly, the Holy City beat out New Orleans, where they name streets after drinks; Las Vegas, where gamblers drink free; and St. Louis, where they make Budweiser.

That says something. But it’s not enough.

“It’s great that we beat places like Buffalo and Cleveland, where, frankly, there isn’t anything to do but drink,” says M. Bibe, the Convention and Visitors Bureau’s executive vice president for Public Consumption. “Honestly, we want better for our city. We just want to be at the top of every list, we don’t care what it is.”

The Visitors Bureau says the city needs to come up with more excuses for locals to stand around in public parks all weekend and drink themselves silly. The Wine + Food festival, Spoleto and the Southeastern Wildlife Exposition can only carry so much of the weight.

Continue reading “Toasted on the town” »

A bronze statue of George Washington attacked South Carolina Congressman Joe Wilson in the U.S. Capitol on Monday.

The statue stepped down from its pedestal in the Capitol rotunda Monday afternoon and walked into the House chambers, where Wilson was finishing a brief speech.

As the controversial South Carolina congressman concluded with his standard closing line – “God bless the United States, except for the 47 percent” – the Washington statue knocked Wilson upside the head with its walking cane.

Then it turned and walked out of the chambers.

“I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes,” said House Minority Whip Jim Clyburn. “But I can’t say as I blame General Washington. I’ve wanted to do that to Joe for a long time.”

Continue reading “Founding Father reacts to sequestration” »

Trident Technical College announced Wednesday that it has admitted its first illegal alien as a student on its North Charleston campus.

Mork, who hails from the Zeta Reticuli star system, said he traveled 39 light years to attend the school after reading about it on Twitter Universe.

“I want to study at the culinary school because the food where I am from is so bland, and the chefs here do such a great job. I’m hoping to open a satellite chain of Magnolia’s back on my planet,” said Mork, whose last name, in English, equates to 73401(10). “I also look forward to attending Trident Tech football games. I’ve heard much about their team on the Twitter.”

Mork’s admission drew protests from the Lowcountry Tea Party, who said it’s not fair for a public institution to admit someone who doesn’t pay taxes and whose people slaughter our cattle, flatten our crops and occasionally abduct us.

Especially since so many members of the Tea Party don’t qualify for admission to the school.

Continue reading “You are not alone at Trident Tech” »

The National Rifle Association wasted no time firing back at state Rep. Leon Stavrinakis, who wants potentially violent mentally ill people added to a national database so they can’t buy guns.

Shortly after the Charleston lawmaker announced his plan to introduce legislation to that effect at Ashley Hall, the private school that was the scene of an attempted shooting earlier this month, a former NRA official released his own statement.

“As usual, liberal lawmakers don’t know when to quit, and now they are even beating up on their own constituency,” actor and gun-rights activist Charlton Heston said in a posthumous statement. “Mentally ill people and other crazies have the God-given right to defend themselves from their attackers, even if those attackers exist only in their heads.”

Continue reading “Get your hands off my gun, you dirty stinkin’ liberal” »

Following an announcement this week that MUSC scientists will study the phenomenon of sleep paralysis, South Carolina voters are asking that the research be expanded slightly.

They want the Medical University to look into the widespread epidemic of “brain paralysis” among the state’s politicians.

“It’s a scary thing when your body doesn’t work,” says Thelma Louise, a Dorchester County voter. “But it’s even scarier when the people running your state don’t have brains that work.”

Continue reading “MUSC urged to study politicians’ “brains”” »

Some people are so sensitive.

Or insensitive, as the case may be.

Down in Jacksonville, the spokeswoman for Duval County public schools has been moved out of her job and into the human resources office after one of her staffers said she called someone by an offensive name.

Yep, Jill Johnson called her husband a “redneck.”

Now, never mind the fact that the employee who complained had just been called out by Johnson over her own job performance, or that she wasn’t by any stretch of the imagination a redneck (she’s black). And never mind that Johnson called her husband a redneck as a term of endearment.

This employee said she was offended.

Really?

Continue reading “I resemble that remark” »