A moderately major basic cable television network is in negotiations to produce a reality show starting Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o’s girlfriend.
Network officials are apparently nonplussed that Lennay Kakua, Te’o’s alleged girlfriend of three years, is not only dead – she was never actually a living person.
“If she didn’t exist, she couldn’t be dead now, could she?” said Shame LesHack, president of the Indoors-Dependent Independent On-air Television. “Celebrities sell in this culture, even the ones who are invented.”
The show would focus on Kakua’s struggle with leukemia, which unlike Kakua, is very real and serious.
So why would anyone want a reality show about someone who isn’t real? Well, because reality TV isn’t real. Think Jersey Shore wasn’t scripted? Poorly, maybe, but scripted it was. The only reality show on TV that isn’t completely staged is MSNBC’s Lockup, which interviews guests of the nation’s various penal communities.
It’s so bad that next thing you know, someone will claim professional wrestling is fixed.
In this case, Te’o claimed he was duped into having a long-term, long-distance, virtual relationship with Kakua, who just so happened to die on the same day as his grandmother.
He was duped?
Here’s a news tip for whoever believes that: Most men in their early 20s not only actually want to see their girlfriends, they want close contact – if you know what I mean. Either Te’o is dumber than the most vicious stereotypes about football players, or anyone who buys that story is.
Of course, you can forgive reporters for not checking out Teo’s story – there are only 38 working journalists left in the country, and three copy editors working out of a windowless office in Des Moines. And they are busy posting un-checked stories on Facebook to keep up with the competition.
In fact, you’ll notice there is only one quoted source in this “story.” So how do I know it’s true?
Well, my girlfriend told me. She’s a well-known show business insider – perhaps you’ve heard of her: Zooey Deschanel. I’ve never actually met her, but we’ve been dating online now for two years. I know it’s her because her picture is on the Tweets she sends me.
@Jadeveon Clowney introduced us in an online chatroom.
Today’s tune from a group of guys who were seriously underrated.