Following an announcement this week that MUSC scientists will study the phenomenon of sleep paralysis, South Carolina voters are asking that the research be expanded slightly.
They want the Medical University to look into the widespread epidemic of “brain paralysis” among the state’s politicians.
“It’s a scary thing when your body doesn’t work,” says Thelma Louise, a Dorchester County voter. “But it’s even scarier when the people running your state don’t have brains that work.”
Sleep paralysis occurs just as a person is waking up or falling asleep and find that they cannot move or speak. A person experiencing sleep paralysis wakes to find their muscles are frozen – either a result of the body making sure they don’t roll off the bed, or aliens attempting to insert microchips up their noses.
Brain paralysis is a similar condition, except that it freezes all ability of a person to think for themselves. Symptoms often occur in politicians, and set in soon after they get elected.
Is there a connection?
A politician with brain paralysis is unable to absorb facts, or change their minds as new information is made available to them. They are unable to move off pat positions until their party leaders decide it’s time to “re-brand.”
There is some evidence that brain paralysis can affect even wannabe politicians. At a forum of Republican candidates running for the 1st District congressional seat earlier this month, 10 of 13 candidates in attendance said exactly the same thing.
And sadly, it didn’t make any sense coming from any of them.
“Some people just ain’t right,” says Joe “Tater” McIntyre, a Colleton County voter. “Maybe them scientists should strap some of these fellows down and cut into their brains. Assuming they have any.”
MUSC officials say they appreciate the suggestion, but will probably not consider the request.
“Scientists deal in facts,” says researcher Patel Smith, “and we’re not sure we’d find any facts no matter how many of those folks we cut open. Sometimes you’ve just got to throw up your hands and blame it on alien abduction.”
Today’s tune: What else?