Trident Technical College announced Wednesday that it has admitted its first illegal alien as a student on its North Charleston campus.
Mork, who hails from the Zeta Reticuli star system, said he traveled 39 light years to attend the school after reading about it on Twitter Universe.
“I want to study at the culinary school because the food where I am from is so bland, and the chefs here do such a great job. I’m hoping to open a satellite chain of Magnolia’s back on my planet,” said Mork, whose last name, in English, equates to 73401(10). “I also look forward to attending Trident Tech football games. I’ve heard much about their team on the Twitter.”
Mork’s admission drew protests from the Lowcountry Tea Party, who said it’s not fair for a public institution to admit someone who doesn’t pay taxes and whose people slaughter our cattle, flatten our crops and occasionally abduct us.
Especially since so many members of the Tea Party don’t qualify for admission to the school.
“They take jobs away from our slaughter houses and scare the bejesus out of us when we’re drinking ‘shine out in the woods,” said Abe Clampett, spokesman for the tea partiers. “And if they were going to blow up the White House, like they did in that movie, why couldn’t they have waited ‘til Nobama was in there?”
Trident Tech is currently looking for a professor to teach and speak Hungarian, as all UFOlogists know that Hungarian is the language all extraterrestrials speak.
For now, Mork is communicating through an App on his reallysmart phone, the iPhone4,000,000,000,000S.
“Steve Jobs was my hero,” Mork says. “He was from my planet. You don’t really believe Earthlings reverse engineered all that computer stuff from a crashed spaceship in Roswell, do you? That ship was my planet’s version of the Corvair. The only thing you guys got from that ship was the Betamax.”
Mork, who is paying Trident Tech’s out-of-galaxy tuition rate, hopes to qualify for assistance from the South Carolina Education Lottery. And he hopes to establish residency in the Charleston area. It’ll probably have to be North Charleston, Mork says, as that is the only city that will allow him to smoke.
This guy may be from Mork’s planet, too.