A moderately major basic cable television network is in negotiations to produce a reality show starting Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o’s girlfriend.

Network officials are apparently nonplussed that Lennay Kakua, Te’o’s alleged girlfriend of three years, is not only dead – she was never actually a living person.

“If she didn’t exist, she couldn’t be dead now, could she?” said Shame LesHack, president of the Indoors-Dependent Independent On-air Television. “Celebrities sell in this culture, even the ones who are invented.”

The show would focus on Kakua’s struggle with leukemia, which unlike Kakua, is very real and serious.

Continue reading “Reality bites…” »

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water – without running into Yankees – we’ve got Mary Lee looking for a new beachfront home.

If you have somehow missed the story – and that would hardly be possible unless you’ve been on Mars – Mary Lee is a 16-foot great white shark that Ocearch tagged back in September near Cape Cod. The Cape is a big tourist destination for great whites, seeing as how it was the setting for Jaws. See the wreck of the Orca!

But since then, Mary Lee has been hanging around on the southern Atlantic Seaboard. At least she’s not adding to the congestion on I-95. So maybe aren’t gonna need a bigger interstate, after all. Continue reading “Farewell and adieu you dear Spanish ladies…” »

Open to new ideas to stimulate the economy, Obama is not.

The White House has turned down a petition to its “We the People” website that asked that the United States begin work on its own Death Star by 2016. The petition says a Death Star would ensure our space superiority and be a grand economic generator, creating thousands of jobs. It would bring safety and security to our new Empire. But President Obama says the Force isn’t with this idea.

Too bad Ronald Reagan isn’t still president, he was all about Star Wars policies. And of course, our immediate past vice president likely would embrace such a plan. Because Darth Cheney said deficits don’t matter.

Continue reading “A short time ago, in a spacey city not far, far away…” »

All right, so who’s the Grinch griping about the Mount Pleasant Christmas parade?

Some folks apparently called the town on Monday to complain about an advertisement hanging on the side of the Charleston Cool Bus, a party limo/bus that took part in the 2012 Christmas Light Parade Sunday night. Seems the bus – which is, hello, a party bus – has a huge sign down one side for “Guilty Pleasures,” which just so happens to be a North Charleston adult novelty store.

This is a problem? A town called Mount Pleasant is griping about a bus ad that could refer to  chocolate, manicures or Patrick Swayze movies?

Continue reading “Don’t have too merry a Christmas in Mount Pleasant…” »

So apparently someone at Winthrop University is having election withdrawals.

Why else would they go out and poll South Carolina residents about politics? In a new survey released Wednesday, Winthrop revealed results of a phone survey that are, for the most part, monumentally unsurprising.

Only 48 percent of state residents approve of the job President Obama is doing – who knew? And 75 percent disapprove of the job Congress is doing. That seems a tad low. But maybe that’s because these people are evenly divided on whether Gov. Haley is doing a good job.

Ah, that explains it.

Those numbers, by the way, are subject to change once European hackers start using South Carolinians’ credit cards to buy mini Coopers and Russian porn.

The only real surprise from Winthrop’s poll is that 91 percent of state residents say they are certainly not members of the Tea Party.

Huh.

Continue reading “If you can’t beat ‘em … disband” »

So everyone in Charleston is talking about the near-disaster at Saturday’s Christmas tree lighting when a giraffe went off-script – and off-meds.

The 10-foot animal menaced the crowd bucking and jumping like a Gamecocks fan after another drilling of Clemson.

The city has issued an apology and promised it will never happen again, but no one has yet asked the giraffe ‘What up?’

Until now.

We met with the giraffe, whose name is Bud Longneck III, at a trendy downtown bistro on Tuesday. He arrived fashionably late, publicist in tow, trying to avoid autograph hounds behind mirrored Wayfarers.

Continue reading “He doesn’t stick his neck out for just anyone…” »

So the only thing anyone is talking about today is what they’re going to do when they hit the Powerball tonight.

Folks are talking about new cars, caviar, four-star daydreams. I think I’ll buy me a football team (which would have to be better than my fantasy team this year).

Now that you have Pink Floyd firmly embedded in your internal iPod, you can think of all the things you might do with that $550 million, before the socialists take a big chunk of it.

Continue reading “The root of all evil today…” »

South Carolina Democrats are crowing about their win in state House District 78, where Beth Bernstein ousted Republican incumbent Joan Brady by a 12-point margin earlier this month.

They have scheduled a parade in Columbia for this weekend to celebrate.

You know what this means? A Democrat actually won something in South Carolina – well, besides those few districts the Republicans use to corral Democratic voters so they can take the rest of the state with ease.

Now the Democrats, feeling cocky after going 1-16,997, think they have a winning strategy. Because, you see, Bernstein captured her seat not by bashing Brady, but by campaigning against Gov. Nikki Haley.

That’s genius. How long did it take ‘em to come up with that one?

Continue reading “Even a blind squirrel…” »

Just think, if Bubba had put a couple of more fins into his campaign war chest, he could have been a St. Andrews Public Service District commissioner.

As Robert Behre reports today, Jimmy Buffett was one vote shy of winning a seat on the West Ashley PSD in the Nov. 6 election. To be fair, God and Mickey Mouse were in the same boat.

Apparently, everybody’s on the run these days.

But you have to figure God has better things to do than run a PSD (like influencing national elections), and Mickey Mouse is too busy polishing up on his lightsaber skills since he just adopted Darth Vader. But Buffett would have been a great pick.

Continue reading “Wasting away again in St. Andrewsville” »

Mayor Joe Riley declared Thursday “Bring Your Boat to Work Day” in Charleston.

Don’t forget the life jackets.

In a related story, the South Carolina Department of Motor Vehicles announced today that from now on all driver’s license road tests in Charleston will be taken only on days that it rains.

They figure that if you can get through a rainy day rush hour in the Lowcountry, you’re good to go.

OK, they didn’t really say that. But they should.

Continue reading “Take me to the water…” »