BY AARON BRENNER | email@example.com
CLEMSON — Welcome to Whose Line Is It Anyway?, where the show’s made up and the points don’t matter.
That’s right, the points are like … statistics from an intrasquad scrimmage.
OK, maybe that’s going a bit far. After all, the comic genius that is Wayne Brady, Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochre is only accompanied by a completely fabricated point system out of mere amusement. The points truly are a myth.
Whereas during a scrimmage, the players are, indeed, actually tabulating carries and catches, yards and touchdowns, tackles and turnovers. Which the coaches will use to help craft a depth chart when the Saturday football at Death Valley actually counts.
So here are the numbers, but please, take them with a grain of salt. We don’t know circumstances, or schemes, or defensive matchups, or, well, anything but the figures themselves out of context.
Still, you, the loyal fan, are curious. And I, the writer, am here to satisfy said curiosity.
I’ve even taken the liberty of boldfacing the five stars of the scrimmage.
TOUCHDOWNS from Clemson’s intrasquad scrimmage – Aug. 10
Seven touchdowns today, and six were through the air.
Sammy Watkins 65 from Tajh Boyd
Watkins 39 from Boyd
Darrell Smith 1 from Boyd
Martavis Bryant 4 from Boyd
Mike Williams 65 from Nick Schuessler
Daniel Rodriguez 9 from Cole Stoudt
Roderick McDowell 10 run
Boyd: 12-for-18, 245 yards, 4 TD, INT
Stoudt: 10-for-17, 111 yards, TD
Schuessler: 3-for-6, 73 yards, TD
Zac Brooks: 7 car, 79 yards (44-yard carry)
Roderick McDowell: 4 car, 30 yards, TD
Tyshon Dye: 4 car, 8 yards
C.J. Davidson: 10 car, 31 yards
Wayne Gallman: 6 car, -1 yards
Watkins: 2 rec, 104 yards, 2 TD
Mike Williams: 2 rec, 70 yards, TD
Bryant: 3 rec, 41 yards, TD
Germone Hopper: 3 rec, 86 yards
Adam Humphries: 4 rec, 54 yards
Jordan Leggett: 3 rec, 44 yards
Charone Peake: 3 rec, 23 yards
Daniel Rodriguez: 9-yard TD
Darrell Smith: 1-yard TD
Quandon Christian: INT, fumble recovery, safety
Shaq Lawson: 6 tkl, 2 sacks (touching the quarterback down counts as a sack)
Carlos Watkins: 2 sacks
Corey Crawford: 2 sacks
Tony Steward: 5 tkl, sack
D.J. Reader: 5 tkl
Bashaud Breeland: forced fumble on goal line
Chandler Catanzaro: made 42, made 41, missed 55
Bradley Pinion: made 49, missed 60
Ammon Lakip: made 51, made 42